Last week, I shared a meal with a dear friend whose son is autistic. During our conversation, she shared that her son frequently elopes, or leaves his assigned area, at church. Instead of trying to understand why he is leaving and helping him learn to remain safely with the group, adults have gradually accepted the behavior as something he simply does.
Her concern was not that her son needed to be punished. She wanted the ministry to recognize that he is capable of growing, with the right expectations, teaching, reinforcement, and support.
Her story stayed with me.
Over the years, I’ve heard similar concerns from parents and ministry leaders. Children with disabilities may be allowed to run from the classroom, refuse every activity, or spend the entire service completing a preferred task in isolation. Sometimes disability ministries can begin to resemble childcare rather than a place where children are invited to learn about God, participate in community, and grow in their faith.
This raises an important question: What does God say about the way we teach and disciple children with disabilities?
Welcome Is Only the Beginning
As I turned to God through prayer and Scripture, I was reminded that welcoming children with disabilities is not the end of our responsibility.
True inclusion means more than providing a safe room for children to occupy while the rest of their family attends church. It means believing children with disabilities are capable of learning, growing, participating, building relationships, and contributing to the body of Christ.
When we consistently expect less from a child simply because that child has a disability, we may unintentionally limit opportunities for growth.
Loving accountability does not mean punishment, rigid compliance, or expecting every child to behave in the same way. It means understanding each child’s abilities and needs, providing appropriate support, and helping the child take meaningful steps forward.
Disability may change how we teach an expectation, how much support we provide, and which consequences are appropriate, but it should not automatically remove the expectation.
God Has a Purpose for Every Child
Jeremiah 29:11 says:
“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for prosperity and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
Although this verse was originally spoken to God’s people during a particular time in their history, it reminds us of a larger truth. God’s people are not forgotten, and their lives are not without purpose.
Does that include people with disabilities? Of course it does.
God has given every person dignity, value, and a place within His kingdom. Children with disabilities are not exceptions to His purposes. They possess God-given strengths, gifts, and possibilities. This is true even when those abilities are expressed differently from what we expect.
Most of us can remember a time when another Christian encouraged us, challenged us, or helped us grow into something we could not yet see in ourselves. Children with disabilities need people who will do the same for them.
In order to help children grow into their God-given abilities, we must first believe they are capable of growth.
Children Need Teaching, Not Just Access
Proverbs 22:6 tells us:
“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older he will not abandon it.”
We often hear this verse in conversations, but it also has something to teach us about disability ministry.
Training is an active process. It requires patience, repetition, encouragement, correction, reinforcement, and support. It recognizes where a child is now while continuing to work toward what comes next.
Children, with and without disabilities, will not always want to do what is being asked of them. Adults do not always want to do what is difficult or uncomfortable either. Part of growing is learning to participate, persevere, and make wise choices even when we would prefer something easier.
However, we must be careful not to assume that every refusal or challenging behavior is deliberate defiance.
A child may leave the room because the environment is too loud. Another may refuse an activity because the directions are unclear or the work is beyond their current ability. A child may move constantly because their body needs sensory input before they can focus. A child who cannot communicate with words may be using behavior to express fear, discomfort, confusion, or the need for a break.
Holding a child accountable begins with understanding the child. We identify the reason behind the behavior, remove unnecessary barriers, teach the missing skill, and maintain a reasonable expectation for growth.
The support may be different, but the opportunity to grow should still be there.
Every Part of the Body Is Needed
In 1 Corinthians 12:22, Paul writes:
“On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable.”
Paul teaches that every member of the body of Christ is valuable and necessary. No person is insignificant, and no person exists only to receive from the community. Each person has a place and something meaningful to contribute.
That includes people with disabilities.
Children with disabilities have unique, God-given gifts that can strengthen the church. But they need opportunities to discover and use those gifts.
When a child spends every Sunday alone sorting cards without being invited to participate in the lesson, worship, relationships, or life of the church, physical presence has not yet become true belonging.
Sorting cards may be a helpful regulating activity or even a bridge into learning. It should not automatically become the limit of what we believe the child can do.
Our responsibility is to ask, “How can we use what this child enjoys and does well to help them connect, participate, and grow?”
What Does This Look Like in Practice?
Helping children grow will often be a gradual process. Progress may occur in very small steps, and those steps will look different for every child.
We can begin by changing three parts of our disability-ministry mindset.
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Presume Competence
Begin with the belief that the child can learn and grow.
Presuming competence does not mean ignoring a child’s disability or expecting them to perform a task without support. It means refusing to decide in advance that growth is impossible.
Success should not be measured by whether a child behaves exactly like their nondisabled peers.
Perhaps a child who leaves the classroom several times during every service learns to remain with the group for ten minutes before taking a supported break. Over time, those ten minutes may become fifteen.
A child who avoids every group activity may begin by participating in one familiar part of the lesson. A child who loves sorting cards might start with picture cards connected to the Bible story and then use those cards to answer a question with the group.
We measure growth one meaningful step at a time.
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Understand the Child’s Individual Abilities and Needs
A diagnosis does not tell us everything we need to know about a child.
Two children with autism may have completely different strengths, communication styles, sensory needs, and reasons for displaying similar behaviors. One child may leave the room to gain access to something preferred. Another may leave because the room is painfully loud and overwhelming.
Those children do not need identical responses.
Get to know the whole child. Talk with the family. Observe patterns. Consider the child’s communication, sensory needs, developmental level, strengths, interests, and previous experiences. Then set expectations that are meaningful and achievable, with the supports needed for success.
Accountability without understanding can become unfair. Support without expectations can become limiting.
Children need both.
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Reinforce Growth and Follow Through Consistently
Children need to know both what they are doing well and what will happen when expectations are not met.
Reinforce progress—even when that progress looks small to someone else. Remaining with the group for ten minutes, answering one question, joining one worship song, transitioning with a visual schedule, or appropriately requesting a break may represent significant growth.
At the same time, encouragement and accommodation should not replace boundaries. Understanding the reason behind a behavior does not mean allowing the behavior to continue without a response. A child’s disability may help explain a behavior, but it does not always mean the child is incapable of learning a safer or more appropriate response.
In disability ministry, we sometimes become hesitant to set limits or follow through with consequences. We may fear upsetting the child, triggering a larger behavior, or appearing unkind.
But loving a child also means teaching that choices have outcomes.
Grace without expectations can unintentionally limit a child. Consequences without understanding can harm a child. Children need a thoughtful balance of both.
Set expectations the child can understand, teach the behavior you want to see, reinforce the child’s effort, and follow through consistently. Before using a consequence, ask:
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Did the child understand the expectation?
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Does the child have the skills needed to meet it?
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Was the expectation appropriate for the child’s developmental level?
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Were the necessary communication, sensory, and environmental supports available?
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Is the behavior communicating a need that the child cannot yet express in a safer way?
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A child who runs from the classroom because the noise is physically overwhelming needs a quieter environment and needs to be taught a way to request a break. A child who has learned how to request a break but chooses to run into the hallway to reach a preferred activity may also need a clear, consistent consequence.
Consequences should be connected to the behavior and designed to teach—not to shame, isolate, or retaliate.
For example, if a child throws materials, the child may help pick them up before moving to a preferred activity. If a child runs from the room to reach a favorite toy, running should not result in immediate access to that toy. The child can be calmly returned, prompted to request a break appropriately, and reinforced when the expected behavior is used.
Consequences and reinforcement should work together. The consequence teaches that an inappropriate choice was not successful, while reinforcement shows the child which behavior will be successful instead.
Effort will not look the same for every child. One child may be expected to participate for the entire lesson, while another may participate for ten minutes before using a scheduled break. The expectations, supports, and consequences may be individualized, but they should still be clear, meaningful, and consistent.
Accountability is not expecting perfect behavior. It is consistently teaching children that their actions matter, helping them repair harm when necessary, and showing them a better choice for next time.
Our goal is not perfect compliance. Our goal is to help children develop the skills they need to participate safely, build relationships, grow in faith, and become increasingly independent.
More Than a Place to Go
Disability ministry should be a place of safety, grace, and belonging. It should also be a place where children are taught, encouraged, challenged, and given opportunities to grow.
We do not honor children with disabilities by punishing behavior they cannot yet control. But neither do we honor them by removing boundaries, avoiding appropriate consequences, or assuming they cannot learn a better response.
We honor children when we seek to understand their needs, provide appropriate support, recognize their God-given abilities, reinforce their progress, and lovingly hold them accountable as they take their next step.
Every child deserves more than a room to go to while their family attends church.
Every child deserves the opportunity to know God, grow in faith, experience genuine belonging, and discover that they are an indispensable part of the body of Christ.
If this blog post has encouraged you or raised questions about supporting a child in your ministry, I’d love to hear from you! You can email me at hello@lovedlifted.com.